You feel the sun on your face for the first time, and you freeze. It doesn't seem possible to you that something could seem so warm, so comforting, so familiar, and yet so terribly strange. How is it that this miracle of nature could happen upon you, of all people — you, who have tried to damn yourself to a world of silence? But the sunlight is all the truth and wisdom you need, gentle and calm on your cheek. If all else is lost, heed it alone, for sunlight is the love of the world, and love the only truth.
Memories can never go away. Memories are restless and enduring, gnashing and gnawing, pointed and poignant; memories will not let you go, even if you refuse to hold onto them. You cannot refuse to acknowledge them — it does you no good to attempt to live in another world, forgetting this one for a meager moment to attempt to wash the pain away. It is permanent. You know that all too well. But you look on them with such spite, these childhood symbols. The hate they brought upon you is only returned, and it never ends. Instead of forgetting and continuing on this path of life, stop to think. Pause to feel. Think of how you were changed, not how they changed you. Maybe once, you remembered a day with sunshine, and that day was your best. I pray that you find some comfort in that moment, any moment, and when the nightmares come to your doorstep, that you turn them away with the healing power that single memory possesses.
I never hated you. I couldn't. It's impossible for me to transfer so much negative emotion to anyone and then not feel the same towards myself. Evil is a true thing in this world, but it is not a normal human sensation to want to be evil, to want to be hated. And yet, you desire that so much. You have been (as you claim) hated all your life, and you want the familiarity that comes with that emotion. It's almost vulgar that you find such comfort in hatred and try to spread it to other people — my friends — so that perhaps, they will be able to understand you. They don't. They never will. They, like myself, cannot see why you don't have any motivation to try to make yourself better. If you're ill, you must allow yourself to be healed. If you're lonely, you must find friends, not forsake them. These lessons and many others were integral parts of our childhoods; if not yours, perhaps it is time to revisit that area of your life. Perhaps its time to acknowledge that your path will not take you anywhere but where you started and try something new.
Give optimism a chance. Let hope save you. Let whatever dreams you have give you a reason to keep going. There is life beyond those four walls, however unwilling you are to find it. You saw the sunshine, and that may have been enough for anyone. But you might have to find the flower that flourishes in the sunshine, the tree that grows proud and strong, or the river that dances in such a moment to be certain that life does continue. Life falters, life sways, but life does not fall behind. A simple ray of light should prove that.
You owe your sanity to analysis, to numbers, to programs, to complexity. How can you entrust your emotions to such unfeeling things? The rigidity of your system cannot hold what is not meant to be held. If you allow yourself to leave the house and leave the confines of everything that has made you what you are, you will be freer. There is no greater thing I can give to you than that knowledge.
I find it hard to talk to you now, because I'm so terrified of having to yell at you, and then not at all ready to talk to you as I used to. I don't answer your messages or your phone calls; I barely answer your e-mails. I can't. You're not the same person you were in September, and you may never be again. But I feel...if we work together, if we try our hardest to be civil towards one another, we might find that friendship again. You've realized that friends are the best things you can have, and I'm finding I can't keep building walls where none are meant to exist. I can't go on like this, but the cost — that is, the cost of assuming that everything in the past is simply dead — is too much. I cannot pave over my memories, and neither can you. But some day, we might step into the sunlight together, and let it cure us both of our prejudices and of our spite. Friendship is all we have, you see. Neither you or I should let it die.
Read 7 comments (Leave a comment?)
Melanie said:
You write really beautifully =) I love the part about memories…its so very true.
Lovely layout too =)
Posted on January 10, 2007 11:49 AM; Permalink
Rohit said:
I hate it when somebody else writes something I have been thinking! :P You have a fantastic style of writing …very deep and insightfull. You could try writing songs :D
Posted on January 14, 2007 7:00 AM; Permalink
Mithraugion said:
Hmm… I wonder if anyone else knows what this post is really about.
I wonder if that person even knows that this is addressed to him?
Posted on January 15, 2007 9:30 PM; Permalink
Ranjani said:
He knows. He says its true. There’s nothing about fixing it or solving the problem. In fact, I was just informed that he was “sick of this friendship thing”. Really? Why are you sick of it when I’ve done everything in my power to keep it from dissolving because of you?
I really can’t take it anymore. If this is what he wants, this is what he gets. I don’t have the patience to deal with someone breaking my heart a thousand times (not romantically) and then smearing it on the floor and saying he was sick of it being there. No one should have to take that from anyone.
Thank you all for your kind comments! I’ll come back with fresh content within the week. I just wanted to let these feelings simmer.
Posted on January 16, 2007 12:45 AM; Permalink
Rohit said:
I am a bit like that guy you’ve talked about in your post. Well a lot actually. And it was nice to read this post. Made my day. I can’t explain how and why, but just that it did. Thanka :)
Posted on January 16, 2007 9:17 AM; Permalink
Ranjani said:
If you’re looking for a comment by the person this entry is about, that comment has been made private. I would rather not make this blog more dramatic than necessary. I’m not trying to prove a point. But thanks for telling me that you got sick of me for being your best friend - and more - for the past six months. Thanks a lot.
Posted on January 17, 2007 1:00 AM; Permalink
Kriss said:
Wow, I think your post was very well-written and alot of people should read it, see what the other side is feeling. And I think it’s nice that you want to get your view across but aren’t letting drama take over your blog like so many people do… I just wish the situation had turned out better for you, but maybe in a way it has.
Posted on January 18, 2007 3:11 PM; Permalink