As God is my witness, there is no more fearsome creature known to man than Sandy Millicent Hasselhoff Jackson (this name is under revision). While she appears to be a dog of respectable character and quaint mannerisms, history will likely depict her as some sort of hirsute whale-people emissary. Or if not, at least they’ll give her a biscuit and send her on her merry way, swearing away any obligations to cover the catastrophic results of any attempt to put her in a position of authority.

But that’s my Sandy. Lazy, hasty, and motivated by monosyllabic words. Why, just this evening, in trying to pick some ungodly piece of trash up off of someone’s lawn, she grabbed my thumb instead and instantly gave me a look of, “I did not enjoy that at all. Not in the slightest. Please continue to feed me.” Oh, silly dog. Don’t you know that we need you to entertain us with your Amy Winehouse impersonations?