I’m in India right now (SURPRISE), and the time difference really only hits me in hindsight. Well, the time difference, and the fact that India is like Austin on meth. Well, meth and other things. Austin on meth is really just everyday Austin. Do not mistake my drug analogies for a lack of fondness. I have reached the end of a long, disappointing, and wearisome semester — thank you, Chemistry and, surprisingly, English, for toying with me until the end. I have absolutely no idea where I’m heading or what I’m doing, so I suppose this nice, long break and next semester will help to clear up the smoke and mirrors of the last few weeks.

People keep asking where we’re visiting, where we’re staying, ARE WE GOING TO SEE THE TAJ MAHAL? We have boring vacations. Most people go to India to tour. My mom comes to India to sit at home, apparently feed baby cows at temples (I approve of this practice. Baby cows rock), and argue about who she’s going to marry my brother Ajay to. Really, she’s the only one with choices, and Ajay will just have to deal with whomever she picks. Additionally, and this is the product of having to watch Indian soap operas all day, I have come to the conclusion that the only role Indian women ever play on television is a housewife. Or, better yet! A SPINSTER! Complete with a shady past that has rendered her completely unmarrigeable. How will she perservere?

So, we haven’t done a ton yet. I think the highlights of yesterday (my first conscious day in India) were as follows:

• I MET A DONKEY. The king of donkeys, no less. His name is Bertleby. Unfortunately, the king is shy and conniving, and I was unable to get a picture. Fighting Donkey, my traveling companion, is quite disappointed.
• Someone left a plate of some gross stuff on the edge of the street, and my mom told me not to step over it, and that we had God on our side, so we would be alright. In fact, I’m not exactly what that whole episode was about, but I thought it was pretty interesting.
• I MET A BABY COW. I should probably reconsider Sandy’s pedigree, because I’m starting to think that cow/Labrador/beagle is a little bit more likely than Labrador/beagle/seal/walrus/heffalump.
• My mom told me to touch the other cow’s butt (apparently, this is the standard course of action, and I was completely unaware), while I kept shouting, “SHANI (shah-nee).” That means “poop.” Draw out the vowels for fun. Apparently, Lakshmi’s sacred part of the body is… the butt? Somehow, that seems unfortunate.

I was going to write a long treatise on pedestrianism in India, but I think a nap would suit me better. My point was basically that it’s damn hard and if you want to get anywhere, find a friend with a scooter or take an auto. Better than the ignominy of being hit by a bike or a donkey. Except for Bertleby.